I'm looking at myself, at my reflection, only the person I'm staring at is not me. Where once sat a silly grin, now rests a mocking smirk, a bitter reminder of my own personal daydream. There is a grim glint in my dark eyes which holds no reflection, as if all the light just passes through me and all I'm left with is a pitch black sense of humour and the arrogance and wit to pass it off as cynicism. Maybe that's just the water, maybe it's me...
I sit now, sick of the self-mockery scrawled across my face, like this post I have yet to finish, a testament to how one can hate how they think and yet not change the thoughts. I lower the cup and stare at the ripples it makes in my reflection. The image doesn't change, it's still me sitting in a cup of water looking up grimly at myself wondering when I'm going to care. It hasn't happened yet, I'm starting to think it won't.
I lower the cup letting it rest on my lap, leaving my hand as a ward against it spilling. I want nothing more than to let it tip and watch as my world turns over, I want to care again but the cup won't let me, my reflection won't let me...
And it doesn't tip, not even a little, my fingers hold it in place without strength, they know that my world is the way I have chosen it to be. They remind me that everything was my choice even my punishment, my own personal purgatory. They hold the cup in place like I hold myself, imprisoned in my own mind, a faint flicker of yesterday.
I pull the cup up to my lips and drink the drought I have made to the last drop.
I wonder if it'd be better if I didn't wake, I wonder if my dreams would still be bright, I think they wouldn't, but I'm almost tempted to find out.
Yet tomorrow I will wake and I will stare into my cup and carry on my lifeless life wondering if I will live again or if I'll remain a memory.
Needless to say the end. Goodnight.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
How It Feels...
It's how you feel like yelling even though there's no one listening, it's how you feel like laughing at the things you used to do. Its the things you never said but always wanted too, it's the words you never meant that really get to you. Its how you feel so lost even if you are at home, its how much you miss them whenever you're alone. Its the feelings held in check, the sadness in your eyes. It's the smile on your face when you remember all those times, it's the thought of moving on that really makes you cry. Its whats left of the person who just isn't quite alive....
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Excuses, excuses...
Okay, so I’m tired and I don’t really want to write a blog, my life is a mess, my uncle hates me and most of my family see me as a failure and no matter what I do I can’t prove them wrong, that’s the reason I’m writing this because if I don’t then my excuses will catch up with me and I will end up ranting about how useless I feel. Everybody makes excuses, if only to excuse themselves… they make them for people and to people. I know that I do. My uncle constantly berates me about it, telling me “there are reasons and then there are results” I don’t know about you but doesn’t that seem a little ironic, I mean come on, if we didn’t have reasons, of why we had (or had not) done something, then nothing would be done, so… logically, that is wrong.
Wait, sorry… got that quote wrong, the actual quote is: “there are reasons and then there are results, the reasons don’t matter.” Well that’s a quote for people with little or no imagination, people who think outside the square, instead of changing said square into something more dynamic, like an oval or maybe a giraffe…
People seem to believe that everybody is equal and that life is meaningful, that we should have a purpose but if you look at the tangled web of reality then you will realise that life has no purpose and that we are all different, we can’t be equal, that doesn’t work because some skills are valued above others which automatically tells you that equality and fairness don’t exist in this godforsaken world. The fact is that we only have a purpose if we think that we have a purpose I mean could you tell me what the purpose of life is? I mean the real purpose not some bullshit religious dogma that you read in a book that was written by a man who says exactly what god did even though he wasn’t alive when god did it. No you can’t… nobody can, not one single soul knows the real reason we are here, nobody could tell me anything about life’s purpose because it doesn’t have one. We live, we die… and all the rest is nothing but in between the beginning and the end. So should I really have to do anything if I look at life like that? No, no I don’t think I should. But the facts remain that I have to eat to live and that puts me in a very difficult position.
And no… my decisions are not based upon anything but the knowledge I have, which is small considering the scale of the world but I’m tired of listening to people tell me how I should run my life, remember people life is not a competition, life is a myriad of stories tangled together from the years that slowly pass us by. There is no winner, there is no loser, all there is, is joy and sorrow. So if there are people who think that just because they are older then me it makes them wiser then me I tell them to go F*** themselves because what they don’t understand is I do know what they are trying to tell me, the fact is we live in the now, not the past, not the future but the present and if they were in my place at my age they would all feel the same, (maybe not all but most.) you think I don’t know that there are others like me, I don’t need anybody to tell me that because most of them are my friends. If you try to comfort me by saying things like “when you get to my age,” that isn’t going to help because I’m not your age and I might never be your age, I might never be older then I am now. So please stop telling me things that don’t help me. (yes I am actually talking about someone specific , my uncle in fact, even though he won’t ever read this.)
Sometimes I think that I’m an idiot, but now I’ve outdone myself, because this blog was supposed to be about excuses and was actually about the problems of how “adults” have forgotten what it felt like to be teenagers, they tend to forget we are what we are and we can’t be less or more then that.
P.S. In case you aren’t aware this blog is aptly named because it is an excuse, well actually it is many excuses put together if you didn’t spot it after the fourth paragraph then you are exactly like me and actually believe what is in it ( and yes, I love contradicting myself.) goodbye!
Wait, sorry… got that quote wrong, the actual quote is: “there are reasons and then there are results, the reasons don’t matter.” Well that’s a quote for people with little or no imagination, people who think outside the square, instead of changing said square into something more dynamic, like an oval or maybe a giraffe…
People seem to believe that everybody is equal and that life is meaningful, that we should have a purpose but if you look at the tangled web of reality then you will realise that life has no purpose and that we are all different, we can’t be equal, that doesn’t work because some skills are valued above others which automatically tells you that equality and fairness don’t exist in this godforsaken world. The fact is that we only have a purpose if we think that we have a purpose I mean could you tell me what the purpose of life is? I mean the real purpose not some bullshit religious dogma that you read in a book that was written by a man who says exactly what god did even though he wasn’t alive when god did it. No you can’t… nobody can, not one single soul knows the real reason we are here, nobody could tell me anything about life’s purpose because it doesn’t have one. We live, we die… and all the rest is nothing but in between the beginning and the end. So should I really have to do anything if I look at life like that? No, no I don’t think I should. But the facts remain that I have to eat to live and that puts me in a very difficult position.
And no… my decisions are not based upon anything but the knowledge I have, which is small considering the scale of the world but I’m tired of listening to people tell me how I should run my life, remember people life is not a competition, life is a myriad of stories tangled together from the years that slowly pass us by. There is no winner, there is no loser, all there is, is joy and sorrow. So if there are people who think that just because they are older then me it makes them wiser then me I tell them to go F*** themselves because what they don’t understand is I do know what they are trying to tell me, the fact is we live in the now, not the past, not the future but the present and if they were in my place at my age they would all feel the same, (maybe not all but most.) you think I don’t know that there are others like me, I don’t need anybody to tell me that because most of them are my friends. If you try to comfort me by saying things like “when you get to my age,” that isn’t going to help because I’m not your age and I might never be your age, I might never be older then I am now. So please stop telling me things that don’t help me. (yes I am actually talking about someone specific , my uncle in fact, even though he won’t ever read this.)
Sometimes I think that I’m an idiot, but now I’ve outdone myself, because this blog was supposed to be about excuses and was actually about the problems of how “adults” have forgotten what it felt like to be teenagers, they tend to forget we are what we are and we can’t be less or more then that.
P.S. In case you aren’t aware this blog is aptly named because it is an excuse, well actually it is many excuses put together if you didn’t spot it after the fourth paragraph then you are exactly like me and actually believe what is in it ( and yes, I love contradicting myself.) goodbye!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Disillusioned ravings/ramblings
So I don’t have much to write a blog about, I thought about writing it about how nobody understands the concept of friendship these days, I then realized if did that then I would be criticizing my friends which doesn’t seem fair. So I changed topic, again and again, I changed from subject to subject, from why I’m depressed to a cat named Tiger-Lily till I could think of nothing else, until this! You see blogs, in my opinion, should have a topic, because if they don’t they are just the disillusioned ravings/ramblings of a half-crazed teen...
E.G: Me!
Oh, in case you were wondering, there is no topic for this blog so if you want one look somewhere else because I have absolutely no sense of direction, which means two things: A) I don’t know where I’m going, and B) I get lost easily, which is essentially the same thing if you read into it...
If you find anything amusing in this blog it is not supposed to be because I am being utterly serious and you will be laughing at me, not with me, so please don’t laugh at my misfortune (although if you do I won’t blame you, because I do it too( this isn’t supposed to rhyme(yes, it’s a bracket within a bracket... within bracket?), it just sought of turned out that way)... I don’t know where it ends... Ahhhhhhhh!) Look if you think I’m crazy I can’t say I blame you, (I can’t... I don’t know you, but if I did...) (one quick question before I continue; what the hell is with all the brackets?!) so continuing... Yes, that’s right; I’m not crazy, at least, not yet anyway. I might be soon, but only time will tell...
...sometimes I don’t know what to think, actually I lie, I do, but I don’t think it anyway. People think I’m strange which I find extremely funny because I think people are strange... now I realise why that isn’t funny.
Okay now I am going to spend a paragraph on religion, no I don’t believe in one, but yes, it will be an entire paragraph, possibly the longest one. You see religion, all religions centre in on one thing, and that is that there is a great almighty guy out there who created the world, now people if I wanted to believe in imaginary friends poor Tom would still exist. The thing about it though is good old Tom got me through some tough times, which to be honest was more than anything god did for me. Tom would be a great imaginary person to base a religion around, walking on water, Pft, that’s nothing Tom could shape-shift into a Dragon! Ha! Beat that Jesus! As far as last names go Tom’s is better too, I mean Tom Foolery sounds way better than Jesus Christ. Tom helped me get over so much; the realisation that Santa isn’t real and that reindeer can’t fly, that crocodiles aren’t dragons and that Unicorns don’t have horns, you know, the hard stuff... He also helped me get over the death of a friend and the bruises I saw everyday whether on me or my siblings, my dad wasn’t a very nice person, but that is far less important than the afore mentioned deeds. What has god ever done for me... and for all you true believers, know that I do not fault you for it, you mean no harm... although I guess that’s not exactly true is it... I mean the Arabs have suicide bombers, the Catholic had the crusades, let’s face it, we are just the playthings of some higher power if we believe in any one god, gods not a very nice person if you look at it like that really. Gods aren’t worth believing in, I mean have some bloody originality don’t just be part of a conglomerate of people who believe in the figment of someone else’s imagination, make your own, get creative, because a friend like Tom is way better than any god.
This second paragraph is religion continued, so if you still want to be part of a group of people who believe in a god choose the most awesome one you can find, like Lady Luck or Yoda possibly the two best gods ever! One is a puppet and the others a woman (I'll leave it to you to guess which is which)... Awesome! Lady Luck, I mean the name says it all, who wouldn’t want to have the lady who controls fortune watching over you, I know I would! Hell I could use it! The people that tell you that “you make your own luck” are wrong! On a whim Lady Luck decides if she loves you or if she hates you and to be honest and this is the utter truth, after praying to her for a good roll on dice or before I attempt a crazy disastrous act I always succeed and that’s all the proof I need(rhyming again damnit!).
So if you feel insulted by this blog or if you’re enlightened (I can’t say how) don’t hold it against me I’m only writing what’s on my mind at this particular time of the night and the day. Oh... just in case you don’t think I’m crazy enough as it is, Macaila you touched my hat so I will hunt you down and murder you, Luke as my best friend you have my condolences on the imminent demise of your girlfriend... Sorry...
P.S. for people who believe in god don’t begrudge Tom he did nothing wrong by befriending me it’s not his fault I turned out the way I did, I’m sorry Tom I couldn’t learn how to be heard but not seen all I learnt was how to be seen and not heard... there I go lying again, I never learnt not to be heard (I’m just too loud, please forgive me.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)